


Lost in the deep end

by mrsvitoretti



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon was slow roasted and carved for juicy bits, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Grief, Loss, Octaven-centric, Side-Clexa, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:25:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9833990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsvitoretti/pseuds/mrsvitoretti
Summary: And aren't all good stories like this? It was Raven and Octavia. It was about second chances.or: Raven's afraid of falling for Octavia, but she just can't help it anymore.





	1. I'm nothing to no one, but you

_I think the saddest word in the wide world is the word almost._

_I was **almost** good for her. _

_She **almost** loved me._

_We **almost** made it._

Raven cleaned her greasy hands on a even dirtier cloth rag that was on her desk, and looked out the window.

“Window” was kind of a compliment. The only entrance for natural light wasn’t more than a huge hole on the thick metal wall, crossed with some wires and iron bars that were a part of the internal coating – and Raven affectionately called blindsWhen it rained heavily or it was sunny enough to disturb her vision, the girl used to steal Bellamy's blankets to use as a curtain, which resulted in him complaining for a whole week with provision supervisors. Abby was almost hanging him on a tree for the rebel grounders.

She glanced toward the disassembled tone generator on her table. She had been doing this for hours on end, every day, since the Chancellor had decided to send people from the Sky Crew to patrol the forest and find reapers for Abby to bring them back, and the only chance to overpower them was using the sound generators created in Mount Weather. Her eyes were heavy with sleep, and she felt the fatigue in every fiber of her body, each molecule screaming with exhaustion. She felt dirty and exhausted, but she could not stop, not now. Work was a good way to numb the pain, the latency of her leg blocking out the one in her chest. Almost like morphine.

_You think you deserve this pain, that this is your cross to bear for you mom or Finn, for all you’ve been through... it’s not. You deserve more._

So far, Sinclair didn’t seem so right. Raven’s life had been built up on sacrifices. She lost so many things... not complaining, though, but when she was finished with that stupid job all she wanted was some rest. Sleeping for a couple hours would be good, even with the nightmares.

She wiped the sweat of her forehead and focused the light on the pieces.

“Raven?” Octavia called from the door and entered without waiting for an answer.

Raven frowned and sighed as soon as she saw the injured bottom lip, the bruised face and the black eye Octavia came proudly displaying. The girl pouted with her bloody lip and sat down on one of the tables. Her shirt was also soaked in the blood that dripped from her nose and chin.

“Godammit, Octavia.” Raven clenched her jaw, and fetched a bucket of cold water and a piece of cloth that was at least acceptable enough to come into contact with human skin. “You have to stop coming at me like this, I mean, _Clarke_ is the doctor, not me. Look at your _nose_.”

Raven held Octavia's head up in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. She lightly brushed the damp cloth under the girl's bloody lip and Octavia put her head down stubbornly as she came closer to Raven, her eyes shut.

“Oh, Clarke doesn’t take care of me like this.” she smirked and raised her eyebrows.

“How? With no medical knowledge _or_ supplies and lots of ice bags?”

“No.” her voice was soft and low. “With _kisses_.”

Raven frowned briefly, almost grinning, and punched Octavia's thigh. She whimpered at the pain:

“Ouch. I’m hurt enough already, Reyes, it’s not fair that _you_ will hit me too.”

“Really funny. I’m not kissing you, Octavia Blake, not when you have a black eye, a bloody nose and a injured lip.” Raven laughed sarcastically and Octavia grumbled to herself, crossing her arms.

“Well you have a fucked up leg, Reyes. Not complaining. We all have our things, right?”

She tensed briefly, then gently pushed Octavia's head back one more time, handing the cloth over to wipe the blood.

“Touché.” Raven answered in a low voice, going to get a cold compress to the black eye. Octavia swallowed the defeat quietly, smiling softly through a few grimaces of pain as Raven tried to clear the wounds, her eyes always closed.

She didn’t look like Bellamy at all. Her hair was a little lighter brown, her freckles were unbelievably more subtle and, while Bellamy’s dark eyes were full of irony and spite, her olive green eyes were full of heat and fierce energy. But what Raven liked the most was her smile. Damn. Her smile was more defiant than sarcastic, with all the world’s mistery in that little dimple on the corner, in all the right and wrong ways. It screamed that she wanted trouble, that she _was_ trouble, with the eyebrows slightly arched leaving the slight suspicion that this girl would set something on fire only because she could. Impossible to trust, let alone to resist. Octavia Blake intrigued Raven. A little messy, slightly ruined, a beautiful disaster, just like her.

“What’s it?” Octavia asked opening her eyes, and Raven blinked in confusion, only to realize she had been staring at the girl for a few minutes, the wet cloth still pressed to her lip. She dropped the rag and cleared her throat, glancing at her tools.

“I should be the one asking.” she raised an eyebrow, wiping her hands on her jeans and getting up. “Please, don’t tell me Kane wants more of these tone generators. I haven’t sleep in almost two days and I barely feel my-”

Octavia smiled and grimaced. She flexed her fingers, slowly brushing one of the small braids in her hair, that were apparently some kind of grounder fashion or shit. With the braids, the hair wouldn’t fall on their eyes as they fought, and it was all kinds of convenient, because, honestly, they looked badass with it.

“Actually, it’s Clarke and Bellamy.” Octavia rolled her eyes and touched her nose, whose bleeding had stalled. Raven sighed deeply and closed her eyes.

“Clarke again?” she took off Octavia’s hand from her face.

“I mean, it’s already the fifth time this week.” the girl went back on her feet, visibly frustrated, fumbling uncomfortably at the bruise on her mouth. “She should fucking move in with Lexa already. If Abby finds out about it...”

“Stop touching your wounds. Abby will have our heads for helping, she hates it when _I_ go to Tondc...” Raven rummaged through the mess of her own desk until she found a little control made with an old radio, copper wire, and an antenna, and tucked it into the pocket of her tattered jacket. “Why is your useless brother coming, anyway?”

“Don’t be so mean. Bell’s desperate to be part of something, it seems he’s not much of a leader here.”

“I honestly don’t know how I keep getting envolved in your fucked up plans.” She bit her lip as she felt the thud of pain spread over her bad leg, but with some luck Octavia didn’t seem to notice.

“As somebody could do shit here without you.” the younger girl rolled her eyes and dragged the mechanic out of the workshop.

In the past weeks, whenever she was at the camp, Octavia spent more time on Raven’s place than anywhere else.

It wasn’t that Raven invited the girl. She just... came.

At first, she used to sit nervously amidst the place’s metal mess and keep herself quiet, watching as Raven repaired and built the tone generators, waiting restlessly until she fell asleep in the midst of all that metal. Then she began to prowl around Raven in silence, and looking everything she could with curiosity in her eyes, tinkering with pieces and gears, and only when she nearly blew up a fuse the mechanic lost her patience and asked what the hell she was doing there.  
Octavia, temperamental and moody, replied that she had nothing better to do since Indra was always busy with Lexa and the grounfers - who didn’t let her participate in politics - and Lincoln was missing, so she wanted to see how the progress of the generators was going to find him and bring him back.

Then Raven instantly developed this soft spot for the girl. She knew how it was to lose someone you love. She got a more comfortable place for Octavia and explained to her how the basics of mechanics and chemistry worked, how to build rocket fuel bombs, and a few stories about her mother, all in a attempt to distract her. Octavia sat by sharpening her sword, confined to a sort of nervous energy as Raven took care of the generators, and it was a relief after all to have company. Raven even tried to teach Octavia some things, but she was a complete disaster in everything that required patience and calm.

And, damn, she knew how to tease. She went from hot to sweet in a matter of seconds, making Raven’s heart flutter and leaving her almost aimlessly, especially when she smiled – that cocky, challenging grin that was almost annoying but undeniably irresistible.

Even fighting felt good, and they were _always_ teasing each other until it turned into a death match to see who could be a bigger bitch. And, for fuck’s sake, Octavia wasn’t a piece of cake, and it was really easy to get on her nerves – even accidentally. But, if Raven didn’t fought her everyday, she’d just stand alone in her shed, fighting against herself anyway. It felt good having someone to argue with. It was good to feel something, for a change. It felt good having late night talks about blue butterflies and rocket fuel. She felt warm inside, it seemed almost like things mattered.

Plus, time went by like jazz and for a few hours a day, Raven forgot the pain – all of it. Octavia forgot, too. Even without speaking much, for a few hours in months they took some of the weight of the world they were carrying on their backs. And Raven didn’t feel so alone and failed. Octavia didn’t feel useless and weak.

You know, the law of compensation was not exactly ratified in Raven's favor, however, after messing up big time, it seemed as the universe was kind of meant to make amends and pamper her like an absent father. Even if she was suspicious, stubborn and irreducible.

They went to find Clarke and Bellamy behind the Mecca Station, facing the electric fence and with the dark hood pulled over her head. Clarke now wore the braided hair in the grounder style, and polished a dagger with a leather cord that Lexa had given to her. And she was just cleaning it up when Raven and Octavia arrived, looking extremely irritated with the restless boy at her side.  
Bellamy Blake was the complete opposite of his sister. With a long face and cruel eyebrows, purposely messy hair and ragged clothes that didn’t match his clean face – for the first time free of any injury. Someone had to make up for Octavia.

"Listen, Princess." Raven limped toward her, stinging her finger into the blonde’s chest authoritatively. "I'm not going to interrupt my work to help you escape to the grounder camp, okay? It's better be important.”

“I'm going to see Lexa.” She replied, as if it were obviously important. Octavia suppressed a laugh, probably because of Raven's livid expression. Bellamy interrupted:

"We have an important meeting with the commander, reviewing maps, charting new routes-”

“Reviewing maps?” Octavia smirked, which looked cute with the bruised lip. "Yeah, little brother, only with you around."

The boy frowned, visibly confused, his fingers uneasy.

"What happened to your face?" He looked worried, and Octavia looked away, bothered.

"You'd better not take this, handsome.” Raven interrupted and pointed at the gun. "They'll never let you in carrying a rifle."

Bellamy slipped the handle of the gun over his head and dropped it to the floor, reluctant and moody as a spoiled child, without taking his eyes off Raven. He assumed the inexpressiveness of someone who would undoubtedly say something cruel, only because he wanted to.

“I understand. After your boyfriend-”

“Bellamy.” Octavia warned dangerously, flexing her fists. Raven's jaw caught briefly as her throat tightened and the flurry of indigestible memories made her head hurt.

"All right, Blake, I got it.” She pulled the remote from her pocket and pressed a sequence of buttons. Then she opened a compartment behind the radio and pulled out a small blue wire. Raven raised her forefinger to her lips, and Octavia looked around. The voices coming from Arkadia's courtyard seemed distant, as if they were heard from underwater. Then the soft buzz of electricity from the fence vanished, and Raven kicked a rock toward the metal to make sure it was no longer electrified. The stone struck the wire gently and fell to the floor.

“Brilliant.” Octavia raised her eyebrows, while Clarke was already crawling under the fence, smiling. Raven only saw her this happy when she was on the other side of the fence, why she had nicknamed it the "Electric Fence Effect" and expected an opportunity to share her theory with the world. She was so happy that Raven was afraid to enter Lexa's tent at the wrong time and see things that would cause her nightmares and fall into a black hole of consciousness. Bellamy was next, careful not to get caught in the strings.

Octavia slid through the dry leaves to the other side.

"You coming, Reyes?" She asked, her brows raised, her expression carved in sarcasm. For no reason, Raven felt her heart racing. She was too young for palpitations. Palpitations in her case could _kill_.

She thought of the generators that were missing. In the extreme tiredness she felt. On her useless and aching leg.

And she slipped under the fence.

X

Raven was pissed and the air smelled good. For quite different reasons.

Raven was a pissed because at the entrance to the grounder camp, a tattooed guy twice her size had searched her and tried to take the her brace thinking it was a weapon. Her brace was no _hidden weapon of the sky people_. Her brace was a sophisticated and beautifully mounted device, an engineering masterpiece, built by her exclusively for her.

And the air smelled good because of Lexa.

A strong smell of something natural came from the commander's tent, and Octavia covered her nose with a grimace. The smell wasn’t bad, but surely someone would die suffocated inside the fur tent with a great concentration of it.

“What the fuck ...”

“Lexa.” Octavia said. "She's obsessed with these things."

Raven didn’t know what "things" were, but she even enjoyed the smell, which looked a lot like the natural junk shop Kane's mother ran on the Ark. Of course they were not really natural, but the incense had this delicious scent that made Raven imagine what life on earth would be like, and Finn would always buy her when there was money left over. There, with the smell of real nature, the scent began to sate.

"Are those" Bellamy took a deep breath. “scented candles? Like the ones they sell at Kane's mom's store?”

“Yes. They produce this here as a therapeutic item for healers ... and for the commander.” Octavia said, rolling her good eye as the other one was closed because of the bruise. The scent of the candles began to stick in the roof of their mouth and nose as they moved closer to Lexa's tent, and Clarke grew more agitated.

"I think you'd better go in." Octavia smiled. "The commander is in a good mood today."

It was obvious that Lexa was in a good mood. As tough as the commander of the twelve land clans might be, whenever there was any clue that Clarke would show up, some cognitive area within her began to emit clear signals from her human side. As much as she vomited in the face of everyone that love was a weakness - and Raven fully agreed with that part - and that she had isolated herself from all this, only being too blind or too much Bellamy not to realize how infatuated she was, and how true the reciprocal was. But Lexa surely wouldn’t be lighting up scented candles if she knew Clarke was bringing the wonderful Bellamy Blake with her.

"That won’t last." Raven looked at Bellamy, and Octavia laughed,

"I wouldn’t want to be around."

“What?” He asked, pulling his sweaty hair back. “Why?”

" _Nothing_ , Bellamy.” Clarke frowned angrily. "You two are impossible.”

“We do our best.” Raven rested her hand on her chest as if touched by the compliment. "By the way, Blake, you better bite your tongue to talk at that meeting. Commander Hot Stuff can be quite formal, I mean, at least with us. Clarke, is she like that to you too, or does she simply have no time for peasants? Ah,” Raven blinked at Bellamy. “If they want some alone time ... better leave. I'd hate to get into that tent at the wrong time.”

“Raven!” Clarke growled. Literally growled, teeth clenched and brows furrowed like a wild animal. “We did not even-”

“Still.” Raven smirked, while Octavia was amused on her side, and Bellamy looked totally lost. Clarke bared her teeth, as if she were really an animal ready to attack Raven, and grabbed the boy by the collar of his jacket.

“Come on, Bellamy!” She pushed him violently into the tent, and Raven sighed briefly. She would give anything to see the expression on Lexa's face.

“I hoped Lexa isn’t naked or something”

"She's gonna kill us both." Octavia said with a serious expression, to which Raven cracked her tongue in the roof of her mouth as if no threat from Clarke Griffin could be taken seriously. The problem was just the opposite. Raven put her hands on her waist and looked around:

"You already know my workshop upside down, how about introducing me to the village?" She pushed the girl's shoulder lightly. Octavia raised her eyebrow defiantly,

"That's not a bad idea, Zero-G. Have you ever handled a sword before?”

Raven laughed mockingly.

"I don’t need swords, Pocahontas.” She patted the pocket where her screwdriver was and a few loose pieces of pieces. "I have science in my favor.”

“Oh yes?” Octavia smiled in that way that Raven liked: sarcastic, full of malice and defiance. The heart threatened to accelerate again. Then she took out the two swords she had on her belt and tossed one to Raven, who almost barely caught it. "Then let's see what the younger, most brilliant mechanic of the Ark got to me. Come on.”

Octavia thrust the sword back into the scabbard and walked with determined steps, leaving Raven no choice but to follow her – I mean, or that, or to be completely alone in a camp full of wild grounders that still harbored a deep rancor of her because of the attempted murder of Lexa, which Raven hadn’t even been responsible for. But it was complicated to explain this to a whole clan of angry people snarling and drooling and with very sharp swords, then no, thank you.

"Look, Pocahontas, I do not know if you've noticed it before or been told, but I have a damaged nerve in my leg, which makes it almost completely useless and a little annoying for me to move.” Raven pointed at one leg as she struggled to limp alongside Octavia with her heavy brace. "It sucks, but I'm dealing. But I'm not like the others. I can’t fight.”

Octavia slowed and turned to Raven, smiling and walking on her back.

"You're seeing things from the wrong point, Rae. Indra taught me that we, warriors of life, must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and know that the Universe conspires in our behalf, even if we can’t understand how.” She glanced around, and a little of the sun's reflection in the trees lit up her eyes, making them look spattered with gold. Raven was breathless for a few seconds. It was not only Clarke who looked happier and more complete on earthly ground; She has never seen Octavia so full of life. "You tell me your leg is a handicap. Maybe. But we can make it an advantage as well.”

"So what's the strategy for broken warriors?" Raven raised her eyebrows as Octavia led her into a clearing in the middle of the forest, where the sun beat a little on the fallen leaves and there was a huge "OcB" chipped in one of the trees. "So this is your _workshop_ or what? Cool. Rustic, kinda oldschool. I would put a surround sound device on that rock there, and maybe a fridge with soda near the moss.”

"I'll think about hiring your decorating services, Reyes.” Octavia plunged her sword into the damp ground. The place definitely smelled of nature, although the scent of Lexa's aromatic candles was stuck to Raven's nostrils and throat.

Octavia frowned and picked up the sword from the ground.

“Where I was?”

"You were going to teach me the ninja trick of the broken grounders.” Raven pretended to strike her in the wind. Octavia intercepted the blow and drew the sword from her hand as easily as she would take a candy from a child's hand.

“The two biggest mistakes you can commit strategically speaking are: act prematurely and let an opportunity slip away.” Octavia extended the handle of the sword to Raven, with a smile. "That's why grounder warriors treat each situation as unique and never use formulas, tricks, or the opinion of other people. It's quite simple, to be honest: you let them get tired for you. You will only move when much needed.”

Raven felt her leg throb terribly with pain, and the effort of limping had left her forehead covered with droplets of cold sweat. But she would never admit it to the girl, so she let her talk about some grounder battle techniques and teach Raven how to handle a sword. And she had to admit, Octavia was good at it. Very good. Patient with errors and steady with lessons, even if Raven often got lost in her voice or in the careful movements that made her body appear light and fluid like water. If she hadn’t been born for it, then Raven could not tell who was.

She even thought of making some joke about how much Octavia was great at teaching but ridiculously too stubborn to learn things - again - but the truth was she could not impose respect for it, ‘cause every time she was knocked to the ground her teeth clenched and her patience bar fell in half.

But Raven wasn’t about to give up, even if the blows hurt little - it was clear that Octavia was getting too easy on her, for she only bumped lightly against the blunt side of the sword rather than actually knocking. It was just that she felt too exhausted to plan any strategy and was simply blocking the best she could without attacking. Either way, Octavia seemed to be enjoying herself and that was good.

But it was on the fourth or fifth time on the ground that her leg faltered, and she felt a ripping pain rise from the base of her calf to her ears, making Raven feel completely dizzy. It was as if an arrow struck her and was turned inside, being pulled hard and tearing the flesh along the way.

"You're making things too easy ..." The smug smile on Octavia's face vanished as she saw the tears in Raven's eyes. “Rae?”

She could taste the blood on her mouth, her lip bit into the effort not to scream. Octavia dropped her sword and crouched down beside her, wiping sweat from the palms of her hands on her pants.

"Raven ..." Her voice sounded surprisingly gentle, and she wrenched a few wet strands from Raven's hair back.

“It's fine.” She answered, resting her trembling arms as she tried to stand up. Octavia took her shoulder gently, but her hand was pushed away. "I said I'm fine, Octavia.”

Raven grimaced as she sat down with some difficulty. They both knew she could not get up now, not when her leg practically throbbed because of the pain, so Octavia sat down beside her and sighed deeply.

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Octavia asked calmly, without touching her. She could feel her heart heavy with guilt pressing down her ribs, but it was funny how much she felt damped by the situation.

Raven's skin was pale from the effort. She had the most beautiful brown eyes Octavia had ever seen, but now they were contoured by deep circles under them, as well as slightly swollen by crying. She seemed genuinely exhausted from her own existence. Octavia used to feel that way back then, but that was another story.

“It's none of your business.” She swallowed hard, and that could not be a good sign, could it?

“When did the pain start?” Octavia asked, as if the previous sentence had not existed.

“Octavia-“

“ _When_ did the pain start?” She repeated silabically, and suddenly she had an arm around Raven’s back, gently caressing her arm over the fabric of her jacket. Raven was silent for long minutes, which seemed like forever.

"After the explosion in ..." she replied reluctantly, staring at her with watery eyes and her voice breaking. Octavia wanted to cry too, but at least her eyes would not turn her over as they did to Raven. “in Mount Weather.”

"You didn’t tell Abby, Raven, that was a _month_ ago.” She blinked quickly and tensed her muscles as Raven frowned.

“I’m fine!” she repeated vehemently, her teeth clenched causing the jaw line to harden. Raven propped both arms on the dew-damp ground and tried to get up, but an involuntary shudder eventually forced her back to the floor, growling in frustration. "Abby's got a lot on her mind already.”

Octavia looked at her, trying her best not to look as incredulous as she was, not because she didn’t know how to handle it but hey, that was Raven, the only person besides her brother who had cared for her in months, killing herself because of a pain in the hip and acting as if it was nothing too much. How could life do these things and put Octavia to solve all the relationships problems that seventeen years in prison had saved her from solving, all in one relationship? I mean, that _was not even_ a relationship. Everything was so difficult because, come on, she didn’t know how to use the words, and her English notes on the Ark were not even that good.

Octavia felt something warm tickle the skin of her upper lip, and realized that her nose was bleeding again. When she saw it, Raven had already taken a rag from her pocket and pressed it against her nose, gently tilting her head back with her free hand.

How could Raven Reyes care more about the world than about herself? Maybe she was the embodiment of what Lexa called "inner peace," while Octavia could only think of swearing and how much that girl deserved the best that that fucked up world could offer.

"Rae ..." She gently pushed Raven's hand away from her face, as the girl insisted on pressing the cloth there. "Raven, listen to me, stop worrying about that stupid bleeding." This time she pushed the girl's hand away. "Enough, I'm tired of you doing this all the time.”

“Doing what?” Raven frowned, clearly defensive.

“ _This_.” She sighed in frustration. "You need to stop giving yourself so much to things outside of yourself, do you understand the idea? How could you think I wouldn’t care about your leg?”

Raven looked at Octavia. Genuinely looked, as if she had never seen her before.

After those months on Earth fighting for their own survival and for the protection of their people as a whole, it was surprisingly easy to forget that they were ... just kids. But now, Octavia Blake, stripped of her face paint and warrior posture, seemed to be exactly what she was as she yawned and wiped her damp eyes – a girl of only seventeen, shoulders slumped and tired eyes. She ran her fingers absently over the leather straps that held Raven's brace.

She was nineteen, living proof that the pain required no talent and would come to anyone, and her hands were shaken and rough with scars. Even so, when Octavia looked at her, it was like having the absurd urge to climb a mountain. Difficult, even exhausting, highly abandonable. But then, all at once, you reach the top and your aching muscles land on the grass, and her gaze was like the first breath of fresh air - when you look up at the sky and the feeling of completeness spreads across your chest to the fingertips.

"You could not get off the horse that time. I saw you struggling with your brace this morning. Raven, you don’t fool anyone.” She sighed deeply. "Abby can help you, she cares about you."

“I don’t need help!” Raven yelled, every inch of her trembling as she tried to get up. "I'm tired of everyone pitying me, doing ... things for me, because they think I'm not capable. I'm not broken, Octavia! I'm not useless as everyone thinks! Maybe you're right, I'm not fine, but which one of us is? Since we put our feet in this damn place, nothing has been right. And you ... don’t think that I don’t know, that I _don’t see_ ... Lincoln was your refuge, you became part of his people so you don’t have to face yours! It's not just me running away, Octavia!”

It was only a matter of seconds before the two of them rose to their feet, a few inches from each other, the heavy breath making their chest rise and fall uncontrollably. Octavia had her hands clenched in her fist, her nails sinking into the palm of her hand and her jaw locked.

“ _Shut up.”_ She growled at Raven, who had finally balanced herself on the injured leg. "I'm not doing this with you, Reyes. No way. As soon as we return to Arkadia, Abby will examine you, whether you like it or not.”

“You wanna bet?” Raven took a step forward, staring up at Octavia with a smile that smothered scorn. "Why do you care, anyway?"

Octavia hesitated.

"Because" She moistened her lips, hesitant. Why? Why? Why? "Because you're one of us, Raven. You're one of the hundred. And I...”

She shut her mouth as Raven stared at her, her brow furrowed. The brown eyes flashed as they alternated between the green hues of hers, clearly seeking a continuation. Dammit, if she knew how much the love of the sub-thought was an energetic injection that made Octavia's fingertips tickle, she wouldn’t come with those lemon eyes. Without answer, Reyes closed her eyes.

“That's what I thought.” She growled, bumping into Octavia's shoulder as she limped out of the clearing. The girl didn’t leave the place.

Octavia knew quite well that, lately, hope was like drowning. When you begin to see the sunlight and your hands are already out of the water, something pulls you from the waist to the bottom before you can experience the air. But she couldn’t help it. Locking herself up in the very nihilism as Jasper did was the worst thing that could happen.

With that, Octavia grabbed her own sword and furiously attacked the nearest tree, letting each splinter fall to the ground, as if it were all the shit she had made in her life. A thunder echoed in the distance, and Octavia felt the salty taste of tears on her lips.

She never liked storms, thunderstorms or getting wet. But now ... now that she seemed to understand more clearly that the world would never leave her alone, that fear and grief would always spread in her like a second skin, she longed for the ease of the rain.


	2. If you can love somebody, love them all the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia got rid of the hand that held her and felt a cold drop trickle down her spine as she looked toward the opening of the square where Bellamy was running and ... saw a bunch of people. One pulling the other, some screaming, others pulling away and watching from a safe distance.  
> Raven. It couldn’t be, it couldn’t. Nightmares aren’t real, they just couldn't be.

_How do you kill a god?_

You don’t. They are immortal, have the age of their own time. They will never die.

The sky had taken on an ugly tone when Octavia left the clearing, her hands covered with blisters and calluses, some bleeding from the effort she fought with the sword, furious. Her muscles were sore and her hair tangled, but at least her nose didn’t bleed any more, and she was counting on the fingers the advantages she was carrying. She didn’t get anything. She was full of fingers.

_How do you kill a god?_

You deny them their power. You strips them of love and loyalty. They will end up alone and unhappy, weak and defeated, and eternity will be a punishment, but it’s not death.

It was surprisingly simple for Octavia to guide herself in the grounder village, almost like an instinct. Even so, she didn’t see Clarke in front of her until she bumped into her so hard that they nearly lost their balance.

"Ouch," she grunted, rubbing the tip of her nose. "My face is already bruised enough without you beating me around too, Clarke.”

Clarke just growled softly and rolled her eyes. She looked slightly disturbed, her face in an intense red and her hands nervously tugging at her clothes.

Octavia then blinked and widened her eyes.

"Clarke ..." Her expression broke into a smile. “What is this?”

She didn’t miss the opportunity to stick her finger between the collar of the blonde’s jacket and press the purple mark on Clarke's neck, which involuntarily shrank from the painful sensation.

“It's nothing!” Clarke answered, her voice leveling above normal, then whimpering as Octavia pressed her finger there harder, determined to remind Clarke how big and purple that hickey was. She slapped the girl's hand away and Octavia laughed. “If you tell anybody, I swear ...”

Octavia lifted both hands up in surrender, pressing her lips against each other to try to hold back the laughter. Apparently, this is how it’s done. We lie when we really want something. We lie when we don’t want something anymore. Who was she to question that?

“Calm down, Wanheda.” She stepped back, ‘cause she was starting to be afraid she would actually end up getting punched. "I'm not going to tell everybody that you're having sex with the commander, not that everyone doesn’t know it already. But you're lucky it was me and not Jasper or Monty.” Octavia closed her eyes, smiling at herself, and she could feel Clarke roll her eyes for the thousandth time that day. "And, Jesus, I hope my brother isn’t in that tent.”

Clarke grunted and seemed pleased to see Octavia's frowning expression.

"Of course not.” She tugged at the collar of her jacket and crossed her arms. "Murphy and Jasper brought the jeep and they went for a ride around the village, they must be waiting for us at the gates. It's time to go, where's Raven?”

Octavia's smile slowly melted. Oh. _Oh_. No, it wasn’t that simple, but it was the only thing her head could coordinate when she thought of all the things that happened. Raven hadn’t come back yet. She felt her whole body cushioned and involuntarily raised her hands to tug at the braids of her hair, not answering the blonde.

_How do you kill a god?_

Take their sense away of them. Their eyes, and they fail to see. The ears, and they are condemned to silence. Then they will find themselves in the dark, conscious and separated from existence, but it is not death.

“O?” Clarke called to her, her brows furrowed. "Wasn’t she with you?"

Octavia nodded awkwardly, trying to smile. She failed, swallowing hard.

“Stay here, call Bellamy on the radio.” Clarke blinked in confusion and Octavia tried not to think the worst. Shit, she was just a daughter of the system, it wasn’t fair to blame her for that. “I'm going after her. I promise I won’t be long.”

Clarke blinked in confusion and tried to open her mouth to argue, but Octavia was already running. It was a matter of time until nightfall, but this was the last thing on Octavia's head, since she knew the alleys like the back of her hand.

When she realized it, she was running through the streets and almost sliding around the curves, attracting glances and exclamations from some people, her eyes sweeping the place and her leg throbbing absurdly in the region that was still healing of a wound. She could almost hear Abby complaining as she clenched her teeth, but she couldn’t stop running. She knew that most of Tondc's people harbored some kind of rancor and hatred for the skaikru, and Raven ... well, Raven was accused of poisoning the commander. And even if it had been proven that she wasn’t guilty ... Gustus had friends in that village. She knew they hadn’t forgiven his death so easily, and that wasn’t something any agreement Lexa had done could change.

It was then that, upon arriving in one of the small squares of the city, she looked to her side and saw Bellamy. Her brother ran on the dirty floor, trying to pull the glove out with his bare teeth, his brows furrowing in pain, not physical, but _pain_. One of his hands was tucked under the shirt, clearly looking for something - a _weapon_ \- and his boots plucked tufts of grass from the ground.

Where was Bellamy going? One of the village elders ran to her, her face livid in despair.

“ _Okteivia_! Do something!” The woman shouted, holding her arm tightly. "They're going to kill them!"

Octavia got rid of the hand that held her and felt a cold drop trickle down her spine as she looked toward the opening of the square where Bellamy was running and ... saw a bunch of people. One pulling the other, some screaming, others pulling away and watching from a safe distance.

Raven. _It couldn’t be, it couldn’t. **Nightmares aren’t real, they just couldn’t be.**_

Her feet acted, as her mind seemed to have paralyzed. A whirlwind of thoughts raced through her head. Why no matter how much Octavia wanted to believe that those people were celebrating something, or getting together for some ceremony or something, her heart said otherwise?  
Jasper ran through the trees, looking rather lost, and Octavia looked at him as she ran after Bellamy, but her feet felt way too soft and her legs were gelatinous.

“Come back! Go get Lexa!” She yelled desperately at him, who looked pale and shook his head irritably and ran upset in the opposite direction, knowing the girl needed him.

She didn’t seem to be able to breathe as she heard the bell in the distance, announcing the sunset, some laughter coming from other streets, and the smell of meat roasting. Why was she waiting for everything to stop? The world never stops when someone is in trouble.

Bellamy had given up on pulling off his gloves and attempted to climb a small enclosure that separated the square from the alley where he and Octavia had come, digging his fingers through the spaces of the iron rods, legs propelling him up. Octavia tried to do the same, but her legs were shaking too much, her hands shaking too much. She clutched the bars, trying to get impulse, and falling back again.

Her brother was a few steps ahead, but turned around with a pained and nervous face, seeming to debate with himself if he should return. He held out his hand to Octavia. Sweat dripped over his eyebrow and dripped from his chin as he propelled her upward, passing Octavia in front of him without saying anything. _Why did no one help them up? Why did they just stare?_

Bellamy's new jacket tingled as he sprinted toward the confusion. Octavia couldn’t keep up, so the girl just tried to keep her attention to where she was stepping, she needed to be well.

As soon as she arrived, Bellamy was screaming with a grounder twice as wide as he was. A body was pushed in Octavia’s direction, and she just pushed it aside, trying to break through. The shouting deafened her as she pushed the people away, bending over to squeeze herself between waistlines. The air was warm and scarce, inflating her lungs.

Where was Raven?

Octavia couldn’t see properly. All this running with Bellamy was less than twenty seconds, her body was begging for rest by extreme effort and little oxygen.

Maybe she was around and Octavia couldn’t see ... It was ... It was ... A lot of people. The air was heavy. Was that a panic attack?

Her blurred vision found a familiar face; It was Murphy, lying on the floor.

“What...?” She asked huskily, seeing Murphy's face bruised, his lip bleeding, and his swollen eye turning purple. He lifted his head to speak to her, almost desperate, his voice choking:

“Octavia, I'm so sorry, I tried _... I tried_ ...”

_How do you kill a god?_

With another god. An immortal for an immortal. A heart for a heart. An era for another. Only one celestial being can destroy the soul of another. This is how you kill a god.

"Where is she?" She practically spat her own heart over Murphy, her throat clawing. “WHERE IS SHE?”

Murphy didn’t need to answer. She heard the thud and a growl of pain from a voice she knew very, very well. Pulling away the shoulder of anyone who was in front of her with violence, Octavia managed to reach the epicenter of the scene and felt that a part of her died at that moment.

A tall man with tattoos and long braided hair - a warrior - pressed Raven against a stone wall. He had one hand closed at her throat, and in the other one a sharp sword pointed at the skin space between his fist and her chin. Octavia's eyes burned. It was as if her mind wasn’t inside the body, watching people form a circle, and no one moving a muscle to stop it. Almost as if they _wanted_ it to happen.

"Heda should have killed you when she had the chance. Skaikru only bring death to our people.” The man snarled in thick English, tightening his grip on Raven's throat. Octavia saw her nose bleeding profusely, one side of her face was covered with a bruise. "I'm not _weak_ like her.”

Raven spat a bit of blood to the side and the green-eyed girl winced.

“Go ahead.” She answered in a trembling voice, and Octavia preferred to cry a thousand tears and live that in Raven's place a thousand times when she saw the steel bite into her tan skin, making a trickle of blood run down the warrior's fingers. Raven closed her eyes tightly and struggled to escape. Octavia saw Bellamy trying to reach them.

Nothing, no one, no strength in the world could hold Octavia back as she had reached the warrior, pushing him with a force she didn’t know she had. Taken by surprise, the grounder lost his balance, and they both fell on the damp mud floor.

Octavia wasted no time. Her hand flew right into the collar of his vest, and at that moment it didn’t matter that he was bigger than her, didn’t matter that he was armed and she wasn’t, nothing mattered, she just had to keep him away from Raven.

“ _Don’t touch her_! Never again, you hear me?!” She screamed, her jaw burning and snapping as she opened her mouth, feeling the blows in her arm and his hands desperate to grab something. “ _I'll end you, you get that_?!”

Octavia heard loud screams, deafening screams, hands trying to pull her away.

Her legs were on the floor, she was being dragged by someone, probably her brother. She looked at Raven lying on the ground and Bellamy was pulling her arms, trying for anything to rip her hands off the grounder’s shirt.

She watched her hands fall away from the collar of the shirt. No, she couldn’t give up like that. Octavia noticed hot tears streaming down her cheeks, washing the mud off her face. She felt betrayed, helpless. How did she let it happen?

Then, suddenly, it was Bellamy facing the grounder, and all Octavia could think of was to get Raven out of here.

She ran toward the girl and skidded to her knees, wrapping her arm around her shoulders. The girl sniffed at her with tear-filled eyes and a red smile that made Octavia's blood boil and tears welling up in her eyes.

“Hey, Pocahontas.” She said softly, her voice broken. "I was almost done with him.”

“I'm sure you were.” Octavia replied, just biting her own lower lip and smiling with teary eyes. She still felt the blood in her throat and the tips of her fingers cold, but helped Raven to stand up and balance on her bad leg, pushing her as far as she could from where Bellamy held the man on the ground by the tip of his sword.

It wasn’t over yet. She saw some of the warrior’s friends pushing through the crowd to get to him, and saw Murphy standing and picking up one of the swords that were on the ground. Octavia felt her blood boiling and running all over her body and palpitations ringing in her head.

“Lexa's coming. Get her out of here, Octavia!” Bellamy shouted, the sword in the man's throat. She barely heard him.

“Bellamy ...”

“ _Now_!” He shouted, not looking in his sister’s direction.

She stared into the grounder’s eyes, who seemed too drunk or too dizzy to keep his focus on her, Bellamy or anyone else, his eyes absorbed as he smiled with the sword close to his throat. Octavia felt the urge of vomit deep in her throat and the smell of bile in her nose. Was _that_ the world she defended so much?

She noticed that many of the people looked at her in silence, because, for the first time, it was clear that the ruthless and sarcastic Octavia was not that ruthless, and that even sarcasm made a joke with her in life when she made mistakes.

“You need help?” She felt Murphy approach, closing his eyes tightly because due to the pain of the swelling that had already reached a deep shade of purple.

“Help Bellamy until Lexa arrives, things can get out of control. And tell Clarke I'm going to spend the night with her.” Octavia replied, trying to keep her balance while stroking Raven's back in a circular motion, as if trying to pull the pain to herself. "You guys can go home."

Murphy nodded, and Octavia led Raven away, feeling the extreme fatigue shake her bones as adrenaline drained from her body, leaving only the exhaustion of physical exertion. The rain began to fall, and the first drops of cold water were almost an anesthetic.

She remembered the time Jasper had retrieved some old movies from the wreckage of the Ark, and Raven repaired a projector so they could watch it – any fun was welcome on such days when the rain was torrential and prevented them from leaving Arcadia for working.

Octavia remembered watching Titanic - a romantic movie about a sinking boat and a couple - and thinking that when she found someone like that, she would never forgive herself if something bad happened to that person.

Probably Rose never forgave herself, too.

**Author's Note:**

> The story will be told in three parts.  
> Hope you enjoyed it :)


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